it is easy to wear masks, or try to hold it all in.  but this problem I am going through, this is nobody or anyone else can seem to really understand or know how it feels.  I have to deal with it myself, I guess, because nobody seems to know how to help me other than hook me up on pills and talk about my past life and how I feel.  there is no direct cure, and I have been dealing with my emotional problems for far too long to really be patient anymore.  why do i have to be the weak one. I started taking anti-depressants last week. I hope they take away the anxiety so I can travel outside my house like a normal human being again, and go to places without worrying about bodily functions acting up, or having urges to throw up or urinate. 

ARgggggghhhhhhhhhh

So Michael Jackson died and past away.  I watched a few of his videos, and remembered what songs I liked about him.  But, then I realized... he is human.
And so were all the gals and guys in world war II. And so were all the gals and guys in  Vietnam wars, Korean War, Chinese TianAnMen square. I then started to watch Vietnam war footage.  You have these two powers fighting. I see these people get shot in the head, and their emotionless bodies slam back on to the earth, and there is nothing left of them. That`s it. Life just ends, no more.  Their kids go on to starve and their bones jet out all over their bodies and then are picked off later by mines or other things. Limbs and arms and stuff everywhere. bloody and hell like.   And I thought....``Why does Michael Jacksons death affect me so much, when everyday, in places like Iran (see todays neews) people are being shot, driven out of their homes agaisnt their will, starving and dying for their beleifs, and all I care about is this rich pop star who died like many of us rich people here do?``

The reason is: he is popular.  In our world, the money and the fame is what makes you known and have power.  But you know, what I realized, after watching MJ die, of his heart attack, just ending like that.  Everything he worked up for, all his money and his items, are all completely useless to him now, wherever he goes.  He will live on in our generation as a memory, and possibly the next, but eventually, if our world exists for two hundred more years, will become something of an ancient being.  He will be put into the history books as some musical infleunce that changed the lives of many... and the students will sit in their classes and groan over learning it.
everything we have in life... is worthless.  You can have all the money and power you want to and feel your comfort, but in the end when you die, it pretty much goes down the tube anyway.

I have found lately, the best thing that makes me happier is to just talk to people, go do anything with them, it doesnt matter, try to face my anxiety as much as possible, and study chinese.  hahaha.  I have these fancy ties and rings from brand names like roots or VW, or whatever, but really.. i dont need anymore.  Acutally, i dont even need more money, just enough to get by really.... because in the end, when you die.. you just end up like Michael Jackson. a memory where everyone speaks about you in the past tense and you will evnetually be forgotten and left in the dust as a nothing , and remembered by a select few as a name. 

這件事。。。真的讓我覺得好糊涂。  我們為什么把一個音樂偶像當作很重要？ 別人， 正常的人， 他們的生命沒有意思嗎？沒有Michaeljackson的那么重要嗎？ 你坐在公車的時候， 看到在旁邊的人， 你對他們的生命真無所謂嗎？ 如果他們好像需要安慰， 我們都就不在乎他們的感覺嗎？？ 好奇怪的世界。。。 但是， 我也這樣。。 我非常虛偽了， 因為我也這樣。  我們大家都想有的人好醜或沒有趣味， 所以我們不理他們， 不想要認識。  。  。  可是我們都是人。  亞洲人， 白人， 黑人， 什么的， 我們都要愛情， 都會生病， 都想要哭泣， 都需要喝水， 什么的什么的什么的。  我們都不喜歡別人因為我不了解別的文化。  沒有想了解， 只要幫助我們自己跟很熟的朋友們。  

我好虛偽， 我對陌生人不太友好， 我只冷落他們因為他們有時候煩我， 有時候以為他們真嘮叨。 呵呵呵呵。。 我們的都好。。。冷漠,
Humans So Cold

need to shut up and try to look on the positive sides of things .

why is that so hard though? I live in a world where there is no suffering around me and no poor people. Just spoiled me and spoiled others. God save me from anxiety .